Category: motherhood

My welcome to working motherhood…

If you are reading this, then it is possible that you have read my piece that was published this morning on Brain, Child.

A few things have changed since I wrote that piece.  For one, I am working… But not just any job. I am a Real Estate Salesperson with Bohemia Realty Group…

There is a framed quote at Bohemia that embodies my MO in this real estate business I have chosen.

Having worked at Gap Inc (Gap,Banana Republic and Old Navy) for nearly 10 years, I was trained in the best Customer  Service around.  
I can help my customers translates to I can help my clients in Real Estate, where articles of clothing and opening a store credit card to save you 15% is now hunting up, down and all around Manhattan for your ideal home and my 15%.
When I left Gap in 2009 to focus on theatre, I had no clue what was next in my life.  I had recently met a man that I had imagined marrying and we did a few years later, although a city hall wedding was not what either of us had expected, and the daughter we had the next year thrust us into parenthood at a time neither of us had expected (me anyways). 
Our life has been a list of unexpected events, which in telling other people is exciting and in living can be frightening.
Now a mother of two and back in a service position, I am floored by the exhaustion, both mental and physical, that has taken over my body.  
On any given day I want to give up – curl into a ball and just pretend it all doesn’t exist or just wait until catastrophe happens!
Real Estate with kids is a new adventure for me!  I am literally starting a new life and with dependents…
In a career built on speed, the first thing I note is that Everything takes longer, but I am held to the same standards.  It is exhilarating and super scary!
There have been so many times where I have been pushed to my limits and filled with rage over uncontrollable circumstances.
But I have been inspired by the little things to push through, which is what I would tell any mom in my situation and so should YOU!  I look forward to enjoying life the way I once did, because let’s be honest – I love this city and would really rather live no place else!  

The Substance of Strangers

Another City Room reject for your enjoyment…  I’ll keep trying.  They’ll bite one day (I hope).
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Dear Diary: 
I moved to New York to sit next to strangers in theatres and cafés—
To mingle with the many dreamers and doers lured onto this island.
In my early years here, I experienced much of that, but without the experience of married life and motherhood I now hold within my soul.  
Now, every outing alone is a resurgence as well as a reminder that I am still the same person with more to share… Something easily lost when the “Frozen” Soundtrack is on repeat. 
Sunday evening, I saw a play alone.  The last of many for a while as I am expecting before the Summer begins.  Needless to say, any time alone is more like a pleasant surprise these days, than anything expected.
I sat next to a lovely older woman, Charlotte, who spends part of her time in Mexico.  I answered all of her questions about my iPad Mini and other comparable tablets and talked about my family (being away from them doesn’t mean they aren’t constantly with me).
After learning I was a playwright who had studied under the writer of the show we were seeing, she said she was very proud of me.  
On my way out, another stranger remarked that I was the most beautiful pregnant woman she had ever seen.
For all the mess people give this city, those that live here sure know how to make a woman feel good and I am forever grateful for the kindness of strangers.

Mourning Motherhood : Sex and the City Style

Dressed in Black, they headed to a baby shower, to mourn the loss of Laney, a friend who had left the single NYC life behind, married a Wall Street banker and moved to Connecticut.  Charlotte was of course excited and respectful of all the baby shower duties, so it only made sense that she felt the sting of her baby name being stolen. Which is exactly why you don’t tell your baby names to other people…

By the end of the episode, Mama Laney, facing a mommy-crisis, was near her infamous strip tease, but couldn’t get her supportive pregnancy clothes off, leaving her fumbling on a pedestal in a room full of semi-drunk strangers.  Instead of being the life of the party, she was the pregnant woman who should have just stayed home with her hormones, ranting about not recognizing herself in the mirror.

This anti-motherhood sentiment spreads far and wide as young independent women fear being tied down to anything or anyone, desperate to be what they dreamed of as little girls.  
Maybe I witness it more in New York.  I am one of the few of my friends having children here, and of those women, I am the youngest at 30 years old.  Women here either work at their career longer or do both, work and raise children, which is exactly what I had intended to do (in that life plan that I am still working on) …doing both.

Never did I imagine a spell of unemployment so long, carrying me from the birth of my daughter and through another pregnancy…

My plans included the working mother balancing both and loving it.  It is what I feel I was made to do… And in this city, no less.  

I distinctly remember that one of the semesters I had the best GPA in High School was when I was doing multiple activities.  Although the work got harder over the years, that type of juggling worked and still works best for me to a degree.  It is stimulating and gets me moving.
After trying for nearly two years, I know that I am not a housewife.  But I’m not purely a career woman, either.  I love the idea of working on a home, but crave a job that gets me in the adult world, if only for hours a day even. I am a woman that desires both… needs both or else her psyche will burst.
While motherhood always seems to signal the loss of something in most mainstream media, (like the 

women in black heading to the baby shower), I have only felt a strength since embarking on this journey that was unknown to me in my single mingle days.


So instead of mourning the loss of life, I would love to see having children depicted not as a burden, but a celebration – an extension of your life with your partner.  I understand that it is difficult to express that within a culture that is mainly one side or another.  The in between is where I feel there is much exploration and where that discussion truly lies.  The capable and educated women who cannot afford full-time or part-time childcare, the families of two-parents working multiple jobs to make ends meet. We loss this in-between exploration with the dawn of Reality Television and The Real Housewife, who did everything and looked perfect while doing it.  

So let’s raise a glass to being a mother in all it’s many forms!
What do you love about this job?  Do you / Did you mourn your pre-baby days?

Competing to be June Cleaver

If you knew me way back when – you may not recognize me now.

Some days I feel like Martha Stewart: baking, taking care of our daughter, keeping up with housework…truly domestic. Other days, I wish I could call on my French au pair to go where I go so I could do the simple things in life that we all take for granted…like go to the restroom without fearing I’ll have to jump off to save my daughter who may have fallen in the other room, even though she’s just fine and asleep soundly in her crib.

I mechanically begin working on dinner around 5:30/6 so by the time my husband comes home, something is on the table. Numerous things fall by the way side and I have the most fun after midnight – writing. Sleep comes when I need it, but my candle is certainly burning at both ends…. And why?

Because I can’t just be a mother. I can’t just plan play dates and obsess over what nursery school my baby will go to in 2 -3 years. I try to do it all and end up in a race with myself. Every time I take a breather, I regret it- I try to stay one step ahead and end up feeling like I’m one step behind trying to please everyone (especially myself).

I am certainly not alone (I sure hope not) as mothers like me around the country figure out how to have “it all”. Some have more help than others, with an au pair or family member – others, like me, do it alone during the day while the other spouse works. Others have no other spouse and do it all alone.

Help or no help, the June Cleaver competition is always in our subconscious.

But June Cleaver had it easy – if all I had to do was clean the house and have dinner ready, life would be a breeze… Instead I think about a career and my own personal happiness as a human on this crazy planet – never mind my husband and our happiness in life as a couple and family (which is of course a constant on my mind).

But how did I – How do we get this way – wanting everything to be perfect – or just right… trying to juggle motherhood and wife-Dom like we’re going to get a badge at the end of this raceto add to our sash – like we’re going to move up in the rankings.

I mean … sometimes It would be better if sleep were optional…

… And who is all of this for? Maybe we want to win one of those network tv “Mother of the Year” contests, and be picked over thousands of other deserving mothers…. Is that what our mothers wanted?

Are we recreating their lives in a google age?

My 1st year into this life as wife AND mother sent me into a homemaker mode many never knew existed or thought I would enjoy (myself included). But I was no longer “playing house” as I did as a child. This was real!

At the end of the day, June Cleaver’s life seemed perfect, but that sort of perfection has a dangerous price. If you find that you are driving yourself crazy over the minutiae and need a break, take one! Afterall, June Cleaver had commercials…
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If you are wondering what this has to do with “being black”, it has everything to do with Identity which is what I gained when I “discovered” my blackness… A sense of self that could be carried throughout the different avenues of my life.